Dear 6 AM:

Dear 6 AM:

You still exist!? I'm shocked. Truly.

Dumbfounded,
Ryan

Dear Ryan's iPod:

Dear Ryan's iPod:

Okay, let me start by saying how much I love you. I find you to be a useful and wonderful invention, allowing me to take thousands of songs with me wherever I go in a handheld bundle. But I need you to help me out here. If I put you on shuffle, you have to promise me you'll stop playing the most embarrassing songs on you when cute girls are in the car with me. The fact that I celebrate Hanson's entire collection, or that I still enjoy LFO's "Summergirls" is supposed to be our little secret.

Stop cockblocking and we'll be good.

Loves the girls who wear Abercrombie & Fitch,
Ryan

Dear Travel Yahtzee:

Dear Travel Yahtzee:

Thank God you were created, because lugging around traditional Yahtzee was far too cumbersome.

Back Pain Free,
Ryan

Dear Waitress at Hooters:

Dear Waitress at Hooters:

It's okay. I've made a ton of bad decisions too.

Understanding,
Ryan

Dear Guy Who Gives Me the First Bump When I Go In for the Handshake:

Dear Guy Who Gives Me the First Bump When I Go In for the Handshake:

Yeah, don't do that. You're not going to crush my hand, I assure you. I wouldn't have went in for the handshake otherwise.

Though, to your credit, you're still better than the guy who does the handshake by bypassing my hand and lodging his directly into my armpit. I'm ticklish.

Should just hug everybody,
Ryan

Dear Old Asian Woman I Saw Almost Get Into a Car Accident:

Dear Old Asian Woman I Saw Almost Get Into a Car Accident:

Thank you for fulfilling three stereotypes at once.

Racistly,
Ryan

Dear Public At Large:

Dear Public At Large:

The following is a small sampling of jokes that I believe deserve to die. They are not only overused, but unfunny to boot. Please refrain from using these. And if you feel like you can't be the funny person at the office without using one of these jokes, please make sure not to use any of them around me. Some are specific to me and thus should be uttered never. Not once. Ever.

- MasterCard Priceless Parodies
- Asking if I have candy in the back of my van
- When I ask you if it's Wednesday, saying "All day"
- Any references to Michael Jackson
- Impressions of any of the following: Jack Nicholson, Arnold, George Bush, Bill Clinton, Christopher Walken, Bill Cosby
- Most puns. I won't say all, but most is appropriate.
- Anything ending in "git r done."
- People I have just met trying to make jokes about my arms like I haven't thought of each and every one of them 25 years ago.
- Mentions of Viagra and your 4 hour boner.

This list will be expanded as necessary. Don't make it necessary.

Annoyed,
Ryan

Dear Anyone Ages 18-22 Who Insist On Getting Married:

Dear Anyone Ages 18-22 Who Insist On Getting Married:

No, you're right. I'm sorry. It was wrong of me to laugh. Your marriage is going to work. Really. No, I didn't know you have dated all through high school and have never left your hometown. You're right - you did find your soulmate in sophomore year English class. I'm sure the way he read from "To Kill A Mockingbird" was moving. So yes, get married. You should probably have kids right away too, because at the age of 18-22 and having never left your hometown, you have clearly accomplished all you possibly can in life.

Yes, I know. I am just jealous that I'm 28 and not married. All I have to keep me company is these damn dreams that I insisted on keeping alive. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Dealing with his bad life choices,
Ryan

Dear Guy in the Pickup Truck Who Yelled At Me While I Was Walking:

Dear Guy in the Pickup Truck Who Yelled At Me While I Was Walking:

I'm not entirely sure why you think I'm gay. Is it the way I walk? Is it the shorts I am wearing? Was it the fact that I was sucking a dick at the time? Be more specific with your drive-by hate speech please.

Left in the dark,
Ryan

Dear Bella's Dog Bakery:

Dear Bella's Dog Bakery:

I'm terribly sorry for the mix up. My face is red from embarrassment. But in all fairness, in the future, you may want to change the name to "Bella's Bakery For Dogs" to prevent any further confusion.

Still hungry for cocker spaniel meat,
Ryan

Dear Woman Who Works at the Bank:

Dear Woman Who Works at the Bank:

No, it is not hot enough for me. Could you turn the heat up, or perhaps start a small campfire in the lobby of the bank? Or instead of a sucker for doing business there, could you give me some hot coals? Could I perhaps enter a raffle to be shot directly into the sun? As then, it might be hot enough for me.

But then again, I am a hard man to please.

Looking forward to the winter,
Ryan

Dear Everyone Else in This Traffic Jam:

Dear Everyone Else in This Traffic Jam:

Okay, listen. I get it. You see some flashing lights which means there is a police car up ahead. But here's the thing - he already has a car pulled over. Now contrary to popular belief, this police officer is not a wizard. He can't possibly pull everyone over. Thus it is completely unnecessary to come to a screeching halt. I want to beat you all with a tire iron.

Butterfly kisses,
Ryan

Dear Psychology Professor:

Dear Psychology Professor:

I would like to thank you for your expert use of Garfield the cat as an example to explain the concepts of compound conditioning and blocking today. Using a beloved cartoon character that we all are familiar with and love was a superb way to get us to gain a better grasp of these tough and sometimes confusing psychological concepts that we are learning. I once was lost, but now am found, and certainly owe your having the gumption to break the mold for this revelation.

Wait... you have a PhD? I withdraw my previous statements.

Glad I'm Paying For This,
Ryan

Dear People Who Type "LOL" After Jokes They've Just Said:

Dear People Who Type "LOL" After Jokes They've Just Said:

Stop that. You let me be the judge of whether what you said was funny or not.

Annoyed,
Ryan

P.S. - It was not.

Dear Guys Who Comment On Every Picture A Hot Girl Posts On Facebook:

Dear Guys Who Comment On Every Picture A Hot Girl Posts On Facebook:

Do you really think that's going to work? I understand you more than likely only have the best of intentions when you comment with, "u lookin' hot, grrl!" However, you may be slightly off base. Oddly enough, said girl may enjoy knowing that her "ass is so bangin', shortie," but perhaps trying to have a normal conversation with her like she is a real person as opposed to a piece of meat may be more beneficial for both you and her self esteem.

Then again, her ass is pretty bangin'. Nevermind.

Judgmentally,
Ryan