Dear Winter Jacket:

Dear Winter Jacket:

We have both established, through much hard work and dedication, that I can properly zip you up. Finally being able to bring that zipper all the way to the top to block out the cold bitter winds of the winter air was something I considered one of my finer moments of the calendar year. You were a worthy opponent, and had me on the ropes several times, but let's face it: you lost. I bested you. There were times I didn't think I would ultimately be victorious in this fight. You made my fingers bleed, you left me battered and bruised. But I won. I truly won.

So I have to ask you this, Winter Jacket: knowing that I was declared the champion, why do you insist on only making it impossible for me to zip you up when people are watching? When it's just you and me, you allow me full zipper access to ensure warmth when I venture outdoors. However, if there are people in sight, you don't allow me to zip you up, making sure that everyone around sees me struggle in all my handicap glory.

I'm on to you, Winter Jacket. I may have won the battle, but the war wages on. You will get yours.

With the heart of a warrior,
Ryan

Dear Fat Lady Carrying a Tricycle:

Dear Fat Lady Carrying a Tricycle:

How's that gonna work?

Confused yet intrigued,
Ryan

Dear Young Man Sitting Four Computers Down From Me:

Dear Young Man Sitting Four Computers Down From Me:

I appreciate your desire to want to listen to music while you study for your finals. I have often been inclined to do the same thing. However, two things stick out to me that could make this a better cohabitation experience for the two of us in this lab:

1) Might I suggest turning it down a bit? I was under the impression that you were just blaring music loudly until I saw that you were wearing headphones. I shouldn't be able to sing along with you if you're listening through headphones.

2) This one I cannot stress enough. LISTEN TO MORE THAN ONE SONG ON REPEAT. I get it - you like Eminem. I think he's just dandy as well, but you have literally been listening to this same song for 45 minutes straight. I'm this close to throwing a 3-hole punch at your skull.

Hopefully we have come to some sort of understanding.

Love,
Ryan

Dear Girl Who Came Into Class 35 Minutes Into A 40 Minute Class:

Dear Girl Who Came Into Class 35 Minutes Into A 40 Minute Class:

I would like to personally thank you for the inspiration that you have been to me. Your first epic move was having the good sense to come into class 35 minutes late in a class that generally only runs 40 minutes. Your second classic move was to then sign your name on the attendance sheet after class had been dismissed. But I believe what inspired me the most was the temerity and tenacity you showed in staying and arguing with the teacher for 10 minutes about why your attendance would not count this day. You have taught me what true courage is, as in the face of overwhelming evidence that you were in the wrong, you still argued your case. You officially have the brassiest balls I have ever seen. Bravo, bravo.

Inspired,
Ryan

Dear Anyone That I Walk Past at 1 AM When I Am Walking Home From the Computer Lab:

Dear Anyone That I Walk Past at 1 AM When I Am Walking Home From the Computer Lab:

You're creepy.

Frightened,
Ryan

Dear Drunk People:

Dear Drunk People:

Just because you are currently in a state of drunkenness, it does not give you permission to punch me, nor have your friend flip me off when I call you out on it. You're not special because you drink. Cut it out, crazies. Be the much more likeable and interesting sober you.

Annoyed,
Ryan

Dear Staff at Cunningham Library:

Dear Staff at Cunningham Library:

I wanted to personally thank you for the foresight and thoughtfulness in making it impossible to turn the volume down on the computers. When I plugged my headphones in and played a song, I was instantly sent into a frenzy as all of the excrement in my body was forcefully sent from my colon due to the sheer intensity of the noise in my ears. It had been nearly 20 years since I crapped my pants in such a public fashion, so I applaud your efforts in helping me reach this milestone.

With a heavy heart and heavier shorts,
Ryan

Dear Guy Sitting Next To Me In The Computer Lab:

Dear Guy Sitting Next To Me In The Computer Lab:

I am totally with you. I too thought slapping the monitor repeatedly would make the computer go faster. And you were right to give me dirty looks for questioning what you were trying to accomplish. I hope we can still be friends.

Apologetically,
Ryan

Dear Identity Thief:

Dear Identity Thief:

I feel really bad for you. You successfully stole my identity, but who wants to be me? You're going to be pissed when you wake up tomorrow and can no longer tie your shoes.

Laughing Last,
Ryan

Dear Readers:

Dear Readers:

This is my new blog. I will be writing various letters to the people I interact with or meet during the day. Since most of these people I do not have addresses for, I hope that addressing the letters to the vastness of the interwebs will allow the messages to get to the parties in question eventually. Because, after all, this is all very important stuff.

Enjoy my letters, and if you know the people I am talking to, please give them the messages.

Sincerely,
Ryan